A Midget, a Frenchie, a Zero, and a Bimbo Walk into the FCCT

“The best way to get the sons of b*tches is to make people laugh at them.” — Molly Ivins

An undeclared political axiom goes like this: put well-meaning, polite Americans of above-average talent in a room, ensure they all attended university, and within six weeks, they’ll demand government funding. Never mind that most interesting writers took drugs, had a mean streak, and/or posed with rifles. When you know too much and you won’t keep quiet, you tend to get sued, exiled, or shot. (Interestingly, Donald Trump has been sued and shot.) From what I saw at the Foreign Correspondents Club in Bangkok, the people claiming to represent America’s best for export abroad wouldn’t be able to convince a hitman to give them a graze wound.

Henry Fool (1997): “An honest man is always in trouble, Simon.  Remember that.”

On April 2, 2025, Steven Herman, Antoine Bernard, Rohit Mahajan, and Tommy Walker pleaded for American taxpayer dollars at the FCCT. Herman represents Voice of America; Bernard, Reporters without Borders aka Reporters sans Frontièrers; Mahajan, Radio Free Asia; and Walker, the FCCT Podcast. Their funding has been cut since March 2025, and since they’ve been off the air, the apocalypse has arrived, pestilence is upon us, and illegal drug use is up 452% in overseas government employees. Just kidding. Nothing has changed. Also, nothing was spoken that deserves a summary, and Monsieur Bernard’s English was incompréhensible.

I expected platitudes, but after hearing statements such as, “bigger loss than I ever could have imagined,” “I was in Ukraine,” “tiny part of the budget,” and “best bang for the buck,” I wanted to shoot myself or fall asleep, and only the absence of a nearby gun provided the local coroner relief. Having lost an hour of my life to four imbéciles, let me attempt to do—without government monnaie—what they ought to have done: present a logical case for funding.

1. Social media and mobile phones may be able to provide “breaking coverage,” but digital manipulation requires reliable sources, and a random person’s online post is less reliable than a paid employee on-site and/or a paid employee’s contacts overseas. (One reason we are seeing more images of Thailand’s issues post-earthquake rather than Myanmar’s is because Myanmar has less press freedom and less press funding.) 

2. Reporters, writers, bloggers, and vloggers get in trouble overseas, and without an honest and non-partisan agency minding their interests, can be more easily jailed or fined.  Even if reporters are not actively targeted, other methods exist to chill speech, and more information overseas is better than less information. 

3. Social media may provide more real-time information, but today’s ad-driven algorithms prioritize eyeballs rather than knowledge or accuracy. Most people do not speak fluent English, and most Americans will not visit more than a few countries. If Americans, who are somewhat geographically isolated, want to be connected to the world, they need information from overseas, and they need people to develop local contacts to ensure information has context. 

4. People don’t learn English overseas because it’s such an easy or beautiful language—they learn it in hopes of getting a better-paying job. Media is one place to ensure we capture and develop ambitious talent. 

5. If not us, then whom? Chinese propaganda is increasingly effective. China has been in SE Asia much longer than the West. We ought to work with the Chinese, but if there are conflicts, wouldn’t it be better if we had trusted contacts on our payroll in SE Asia to tell our side of the story? 

Sadly, not one panelist said anything I just wrote, though emcee Phil Robertson tried his darndest. Perhaps we should explain why democracy has been popular. It wasn’t the “one man, one vote” principle, which gave an idiot the same power as a genius. It was the idea a balanced government—not a distant king, local minister, or military commander—would be more likely to protect a deserving individual against a mob.  The movie Past Life (2016) described it best: “Germany [in 1977] is no longer dangerous. It is a democracy. In Poland, you could disappear and no one would know.”  Today, people are disappearing in America, but lawyers and judges are demanding the executive branch provides them information and updates. 

In this context, Voice of America isn’t valuable because it “spreads democracy” or soft power. It’s important because it’s a place to employ sincere people who can be White House and agent mouthpieces while legal contacts work behind the scenes to convince foreign governments it’s too much trouble to detain or harass this particular bloke. Press freedom may be the heart of democracy, but the lawyers are its brains, the diplomats its arms and legs, and corporations its eyes. Weaken one part, and the system upholding freedom begins to wither.

ee cummings six nonlectures: “I value freedom; and have never expected freedom to be anything less than indecent.”

My favorite television series was Gilmore Girls, in which one of the main characters, Rory, aspires to journalism. In early seasons, she had two love interests: the bland but handsome Dean, and and the intelligent but rebellious Jess. Her favorite place was a diner run by a Luke, a man equal parts honest, sincere, and cantankerous. 

Rory Gilmore, on goals: “Travel, see the world up close, report on what's really going on, be a part of something big... I just want to be sure that I see... something.”

What VOA needs is a Rory Gilmore, and it doesn’t have her; instead, it has a bunch of well-meaning Deans who, on their best day, might live up to a Luke. Until then, the Jesses of the world—like me—will remain the best source of information both domestically and internationally. Too bad we’d quit or be fired in our first six week at a government agency. 

© Matthew Mehdi Rafat (April 3, 2025) 

“I wanna be good, life’s just not letting me.” — Jess Mariano, Gilmore Girls